it's thursday already. once someone went into a very detailed and excited story about how he lost a friday thinking it was thursday the whole day and woke up on saturday getting ready for work.

people will comment, "whew, the week is half done." for me, the weeks all blend into this eternity with no beginning, middle, or end. it's sad.

today i learned that it's okay to make mistakes. you will grow and learn from them. so cheesy, i know, but it actually worked. i am not infallible and it's hard to maintain a perfect record. i can see how athletes can choke sometime (except for lance armstrong, who is not human) due to their own pressures to win.

i also learned that if you are not in top physical form, your mental health deteriorates and makes you believe that shaving one's head will solve all the problems because looking at one's newly shaven head will erase them. just cutting a year's worth is sufficient enough.

and i've always liked short hair anyway.

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and on another note, i find that having a boyfriend is quite the remedy of a lackluster summer. especially one who has a car and lives by himself in a nice apartment. it doesn't hurt that he has these dreamy richard gere eyes.

i was perusing myspace, bored and wasting time when i checked out this guy's profile to prove my suspicions of him being an asiaphile. i opened his pics and saw a series of self portraits of his face, same clean cut haircut and goatee. the sight of the goatee and gelled hair made me want to vomit. i am ashamed now.

it's my belief that facial hair should just grow wild or be shaved completely. i'm warming up to mustaches but only for amusement and should not be worn for an extended period of time.

i accidentally logged into my old blogger site. it was closed but i could still log on into a discarded empty place. old photo, aged it seemed, though it's only a series of pixels on the screen i tell myself.

i am reading susan sontag's on photography. she writes: People robbed of their past seem to make the most fervent picture takers...

i'm feeling nostalgic having recounted to him of my life in korea. a list of things i remembered. some idyllic, others painful. and he took it in like tepid water.

today i wanted to drive far away. to the country or the sea. i'd like to rest this aching neck on a cushion of fresh grass with no one around. no pressures of time. is that what is ailing me?

i am moving again. possibly the last time, at least for a long while. yesterday, i painted my room a light cool blue. the color alone kept me in a meditative mood so the heat didn't oppress me. i was alone and feeling up the wall on a four foot ladder, fully concentrated so as not to fall. feeling the walls that are mine, the ornate mantle that is mine, and looking into the closets and feeling the wood of the doors that i possess, i was happy.

i have been listening to my friends' band Canada for months. there is something in the music that takes me to childhood or if goodness was a place, i am taken there. it reminds me of how simple things used to be like climbing trees and looking for four-leaf clovers and how love feels for the first time.

this weekend was for reunions and decisions and handshakes and promises. and beautiful music wafting in and out making all the curtains dance. it seems endings are always coming with beginnings. it must be the way things are meant to be.

"i want to be good for you," he said.

i guess a long time ago, i wanted to hear that, but things are different now. you are sleeping and i'm waiting for something else.

confessions. in grade school we had to confess our sins to a priest. you had the option of sitting in front of him or kneeling behind him. i normally sat in front of him as i was somewhat of an active member of the church and i didn't want to seem like i was ashamed or hiding in my sins. often times, i had nothing to really confess to Father Thai (i forgot his name, but he was from Thailand). i would droll out the usual sins: being mean to my brother and fighting with my parents. and then he would give me advice about how to be a better christian and loving my family blah blah blah. he'd tell me to recite 10 hail marys and 5 our fathers. the numbers varied each time to the severity of my sins. absolution was a cake.

We walked beneath a cascade of wisteria vines and I grabbed him in a moment of sublimity. "It's so beautiful here, I could cry."

I'm not sure if it was the powerful aroma of lilacs, the temperate sunny afternoon, the visual ecstacy of colors surrounding us, the experience of being in nature, however manicured, put me in a soft, cradled mood.

We lied on a bed of clovers and stared up at the sky and branches. Perfectly still for at least one minute, facing the sun, I disappeared into a blissful repose.

Meet me every Tuesday at the Botanical Gardens. I'll put cherry blossoms in your pocket.

an idea of love- as in the subduing of desire until the moment in which both persons understand. to not sublimate the desire, nor encourage the situation, but only seeing like in the way two people can imagine one color-the value being the same.